29th July - 2 weeks after 5th chemo

The 5th chemotherapy session was horrid. The smells and anticipation of being ill are really nasty.

I had signed up to help on this Autumn's Alpha course at church, and there was a meeting about it on the Thursday evening before Friday's treatment - so I asked some friends to pray for me that I wouldn't suffer any side effects from the chemo this time.

Mum and Dad came to visit at the weekend and, determined that God would answer my prayer, I helped Him out a bit by trying really hard to ignore the side effects, keeping incredibly busy and distracted through the weekend!!!! There was actually some benefit in distraction activities, plus I was given even more stomach settling drugs to try - ones that temper stomach acid.

I rather overdid it nonetheless, and was wiped out all of Monday, shaky Tuesday, and needed lots of rests through the week. On Tuesday evening it was the end of year party for school staff, and I went along - but was quite tired. I got bitten by a gnat or something, and, ridiculously, it blew up into an infection for which I needed antibiotics. That's the first time during chemotherapy that I've really realised how delicate I am. Resolve to pamper self a bit more - and buy insect repellant!

Unfortunately I didn't get all the rest I needed because it was end of term week, and, planning to return in September part time, I needed to go into school quite a lot, to sort out my classroom, meet the children I'm teaching, and begin to make plans to return.

After spending all of Friday cleaning and rearranging my classroom I had really overdone things and become exhausted again. So on Saturday I was really run down, my calves were ridiculously painful ever since the gnat bite - it felt like the horrid tight ache/cramp you get after serious cycling.. I wonder if it had anything to do with the bite. Whatever it was, it made me tired and squeaky. So instead of resting, I decided it would be just the thing to go strawberry and fruit picking with the children. We came home laden with strawberries, raspberries, blackcurrants, gooseberries, cauliflower and cabbages. Then the children were challenged to research and make a dish with whatever they had picked. This involved buying rather a lot of cream, chocolate and cheese!

On Sunday things were good and we spent a lovely long day out on the Isle of Wight on the boat. The children had a great time independently buzzing around the harbour in the dinghy - and playing in the sea and sunbathing.

Having done the driving both ways on Sunday, I was again exhausted and did nothing (pyjama day) on Monday. I worked non stop around the house and garden on Tuesday, hauled a trailer load of ivy and garden waste to the tip, did nothing again on Wednesday and worked hard again today, packing the trailer for our camping holiday to New Wine on Saturday. (www.new-wine.org/summer)

So it goes on. Consistency and pacing myself is really difficult because when I am exhausted I build such a long list of what needs to be done as soon as I have enough energy. So I go non stop when I can in order to try and catch up. Trouble is - the family suffers my rollercoaster expectations - one day I'm laid back and let them slob around in pyjamas just like me, the next, I'm banning them from using laptops and watching tv, and giving them strict orders to wash this, tidy that, mend this, sort that, pack this, help with that, etc.

About healing:

My scar area still puffs up with lymphoedema, so I'm applying strips of kinesiology tape in ever more intricate patterns across my chest and down my torso - looks like Maori tattoos!

I am very relieved to note that the tight 'strings' or cords in my armpit and elbow have seemed to have gone almost completely and I have a better range of movement in my right arm. Now it is more obvious that there is a thickening of tissue all over my right chest and underarm which often aches in spasms, and is restricting my arm from the full range of movements that my left arm can do. I need to work hard at daily stretching out my arm and forcing that tissue to ease up and not to knot up even more. oh joy.

On a positive note, I am managing the hand swelling very well - I have avoided big swellings by anticipating activity and wearing my glove when needed.. which isn't all the time, thank goodness.

I am soooo glad the sicky feelings from the chemo have gone, but I am now properly dreading the next dose -even though I know it's the last one. The effects mess me about for about 9 days and leave me run down and tired and out of control. Ordinarily I would be having my final dose on Friday 6th, but I shall still be on holiday until Sunday - so I have rescheduled it for Monday 9th August. I'll be glad to have this picc line removed then too. It's just one more thing to take care of, be aware of, tuck in, up, or out of the way.
On the 9th I will have a chance to discuss the schedule for radiotherapy treatment following chemotherapy. The associate doctor who saw me at the last chemo session (not my usual oncologist) said that they like to start radiotherapy more than 4 but less than 7 weeks following the last chemotherapy session. Hopefully I can have afternoon appointments which will fit in around working mornings only from September.
I am now quite anxious about starting work again. Will I be able to cope and not get too worn out? How will I keep it simple and not be tempted to do all the extra things that make the job rewarding? Will I get frustrated? Will I be taken seriously or just humoured because I'm not really up to the job? Colleagues fussed over me so much when I came in to move furniture and straighten up my room. Will they get fed up of 'carrying' me in the Autumn term? It's common to be apprehensive about starting back to work after the 6 week summer holiday - that's a long enough break in which to lose some confidence. I shall have been off work for about 30 weeks. So I'll be 5 times more apprehensive in September than I usually am!